In couples therapy today my spouse accused me of cheating.
I feel like he’s going around my back or plans to.
I said
I have never cheated, and I do not plan to cheat.
Then it hit me. She thinks I was cheating on her. She didn’t trust me. And despite any evidence that I was cheating, which doesn’t exist because I wasn’t, she still thought I was.
Her justification was from when I asked for ENM, and if someone is willing to think about that then that’s what they planned to do. The therapist pointed out her logical gap, that people think lots of things, but that doesn’t mean it’s what they do or plan. She relented.
But I was devastated. I was hurt. After all the temptation, and choice to not cheat because I didn’t want to hurt her, and it’s not who I want to be, I was guilty anyways. Her logical misstep makes sense, but at the same time, that can’t be the only thing that is needed before you confront someone.
One of my core values, a foundation of who I am, is that I am authentic. Asking for ENM is not what cheaters do. Cheaters are going to cheat. I was trying to be honest (ethical) and transparent and asking for permission.
The therapist urged her to apologize.
I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me when you asked for ENM.
That’s not an apology. Tit-for-tat isn’t okay, and doesn’t excuse your accusation now.
I have a pit in my stomach. I have a hole in my soul and my heart.
I’m sorry I hurt you. I can understand how you’re feeling because I felt that way when you asked for ENM. I cried in the car and had conversations with myself in the car for weeks. I should have taken the years of faithful marriage and dating years in to account.
I’m sorry I hurt you.
Trust is foundational in a marriage. It shows she doesn’t know me at all. (And me asking her for ENM showed I don’t know her.)
I genuinely don’t know if I can get over this.
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