Looking back, it was always there from the beginning. I remember looking at the women in bras in the JC Penny’s catalog, and then guys in speedos. I experimented with anal play in my teen years. I had access to porn on BBSes (dial up modems era), so I discovered lots of things. I was mostly interested in women, perhaps to try and be normal, but I always came back around to look at guys too.
But I never did anything about it, and my friends didn’t know anything and would have sworn I was as straight as they come.
Life continued this way until that one drunken night. After that, this mostly resumed, though I started internet chat with guys. I’ve never met anyone else. This is my line I won’t cross for my vows. So, I look at porn, chat with guys, and, that’s it. That won’t change unless something else in my life changes.
Though some good conversations with guys on CB, one of them said: “You either need to accept this limitation (line) and be okay with it, or change something.” I was okay with it for a long time. If my relationship with my wife heals and improves, perhaps I won’t be as tempted.
Another conversation asked me: “If you had all the sex you wanted (with your wife), would that change your interest in men?” No. It’s who I am. But my vows are also who I am. I choose to put my vows, my wife, our relationship, our family, on a higher level than my sexual desire. Perhaps someday something will change, but there seems to be little point in doing anything now. Perhaps when the kids are grown. Perhaps something else will trigger divorce. Perhaps many other things; but for now, they aren’t changed, and this is the choice I make.
On a Discord social group I’m in, months ago, another guy I kinda knew announced he had come out as bisexual to his wife. I was perplexed. Why would you do such a thing? I want to ask him so many questions, but I see no point in it. The internet is full of stories of being able to be free and no longer hide your true self. I don’t think that matters if your marriage and family is destroyed by it.
This wore on me for months, and then I came to the acceptance that I’m bisexual. I’d always known, but just never cared to bother to declare. But, I just accepted it. It didn’t even feel like a momentous event. I don’t remember how long ago or the day it happened. All it triggered was a desire to reach out to men. To connect to other guys about sex. Not for in person, but again, just internet connections. I found several places, none really seemed to fit except BateWorld.com. I don’t remember how I found it, but it was in a tab in my browser on my phone. I met a guy there and we hit it off and talked a lot to each other over the next few weeks. Chaturbate came up in the conversation. His kind words and encouragement led me to join CB. I thought you had to do the ID verifications, so I did it. Oops. But now I can get tokens.
I thought I’d join and maybe chat with a random guy once a day, and mostly be alone for months and probably get bored. The other guys are hotter and youngers and more tan and have bigger cocks. I never expected to hit almost 900 followers and meet dozens of great guys and get over $150 in tips in the first 2 weeks. It blow my mind. The kind words are still surreal to me. That people want to see parts of me is mind boggling. Only a few girls/women have ever wanted to. My wife hasn’t for a decade. And here are hundreds of people (men and women) asking and giving me tokens and compliments and basically drooling. Sure, many come in the room and leave right away. I’m not going to be everyone’s boat. I’m not trying to. I hope they find what they’re looking for. But that so many choose me, and spend hours a day chatting with me and fawning over my body, is difficult to unlearn 30 years of history of not so many wanting to see. It feels good to have my exercise work pay off and be appreciated. I crash dieted and lost 5 pounds already to try and look just a little bit better. Hopefully someday I can accept everyone’s kind words and truly believe it. But for now, I just say thank you (ty) and we move on.