We both expected mediation to fail. I wanted 50/50 – one week with me, one week with her (7-7). She wanted 80/20, where I get every Friday night and she has the rest.
The mediator separated us into different Zoom rooms after 20 minutes and bounced back and forth. In the end, we have a verbal agreement for 50/50 but a 3-4 schedule. I’ll have them Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights. She has them Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. Saturday nights we swap every week. So one week I’d have them 3 nights, the next 4.
I “won.”
So, I “won.” I got my 50/50, and only gave up on the schedule and a ramp up schedule she wanted. As the mediator (a lawyer) suggested, I get my 50/50 and avoid court and dragging this out. It’s only a few weeks difference and a few nights over those. So not much worth losing over.
We need to meet with the mediator to establish a few other final details. But I’m truly impressed she was able to change my spouse’s mind. If I had that skill, maybe we’d still be together. I think she started telling her the risk of going to court asking for 80/20, and that there really isn’t a justifiable reason to ask for that.
We’re supposed to decide the plan on the best interests of the child. Not doing 7-7 so she doesn’t miss the kids for a week at a time is for her, but it’s also for the kids. Maybe it’s the best plan? We can reevaluate after we try it out for awhile.
But this is the final, permanent, plan. No temporary and then renegotiate the final. We’re done. This is a huge relief (and win?) for me. We stop dragging out the process and can complete the divorce in August, perhaps. I was worried this could drag on through the entire year.
Aside from some details, it’s good to have some resolutions. The world knows. Custody framework in place with most of my goals. I can stop worrying about pending problems and focus on just completing other tasks.
I bought a house. Going to be tight on the budget, especially initially needing to furnish the house, especially the kitchen, and kid needs. But I can make it and should be okay in a year.
Feels weird to start a 30-year mortgage at age 48. I don’t plan to work until I’m 78, so what do they expect to happen after I retire at age 70 at the latest? I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
I replaced the carpet on the main floor and stairs and second floor with some nice hardwood flooring.
I wanted a whole home humidifier to help protect the new wood flooring. The HVAC tech did an inspection of the furnace and discovered the heat exchanger was cracked. The furnace was dead. He red tagged it and turned it off. Worse, the A/C exchange is right above the furnace, and since it was overheating, it likely caused a crack in those pipes explaining why the A/C was performing below performance specifications. The whole system needed to be replaced.
I bit the bullet and got 2 quotes. Bought a slightly upgraded system with a heat exchanger, just to get some rebates, though I intend to use the gas furnace for heat still, since gas is cheaper (for now at least).
I looked back at the Seller’s Property Disclosure. They failed to note the furnace problem. I contacted a company they said they had used, and the gave me all the documentation saying they should fix the furnace. They failed to disclose that. They also knew the water heater was out of code. They failed to disclose that.
I’ve hired an attorney to get the new HVAC and water heater code fix covered by them (and attorney fees). More money problems to deal with that I don’t need right now. But the initial call from them indicated this should be a clear cut case.
AI says this is a slam dunk case. I have the paper trail. Any attorney they contact should just tell them to pay and be done. They committed fraud by omission. My attorney should send a letter asking for the money, and we’re done. Hopefully they pay then. Otherwise it could be a long fight, and perhaps even a fight to get the money even if I win in court.
In therapy we agreed to start the separation processing leading to divorce. We were both fairly amicable on it. We each still care for each other, want each other to do well, but are just on different paths in life and are structurally incompatible.
The biggest and only contention so far is she wants full custody and will give me “unrestricted visitation.” But 50/50 is the default in this state and she can’t prove I’m incapable, dangerous or delinquent in being a father. She still wants to fight for it. She brought up my depression, but that’s not a valid reason to disqualify me as a father. But it’s the legal narrative she will use. But it’s not about what she wants or what I want. It’s what is best for the kids. Having an involved mother and father is what is best for them.
A long time coming, perhaps 15 years or so. But it’s done. Unlike the previous 2 times, I have no feeling of hesitation or fear of the unknown future. I’ve done some planning, prepared, and while there is the unknown future, I know I’ll survive and be okay. There’s no reason to clutch to the devil I know this time. (I’m not calling her a devil, honest.)
In couples therapy today my spouse accused me of cheating.
I feel like he’s going around my back or plans to.
I said
I have never cheated, and I do not plan to cheat.
Then it hit me. She thinks I was cheating on her. She didn’t trust me. And despite any evidence that I was cheating, which doesn’t exist because I wasn’t, she still thought I was.
Her justification was from when I asked for ENM, and if someone is willing to think about that then that’s what they planned to do. The therapist pointed out her logical gap, that people think lots of things, but that doesn’t mean it’s what they do or plan. She relented.
But I was devastated. I was hurt. After all the temptation, and choice to not cheat because I didn’t want to hurt her, and it’s not who I want to be, I was guilty anyways. Her logical misstep makes sense, but at the same time, that can’t be the only thing that is needed before you confront someone.
One of my core values, a foundation of who I am, is that I am authentic. Asking for ENM is not what cheaters do. Cheaters are going to cheat. I was trying to be honest (ethical) and transparent and asking for permission.
The therapist urged her to apologize.
I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me when you asked for ENM.
That’s not an apology. Tit-for-tat isn’t okay, and doesn’t excuse your accusation now.
I have a pit in my stomach. I have a hole in my soul and my heart.
I’m sorry I hurt you. I can understand how you’re feeling because I felt that way when you asked for ENM. I cried in the car and had conversations with myself in the car for weeks. I should have taken the years of faithful marriage and dating years in to account.
I’m sorry I hurt you.
Trust is foundational in a marriage. It shows she doesn’t know me at all. (And me asking her for ENM showed I don’t know her.)
From the advice in a comment on another post to find a gay friend to be friends with, without sex, I changed all my profiles on the apps to state “just looking for chat or friendship.” It’s really cut down on the number of guys, which hurts the ego, but it’s probably more accurate to what I’m looking for.
Friends
One partnered gay guy reached out and we have been chatting for weeks now. There’s no expectation of sex. I’m not his type (ow?), but he’s not my type either (sorry?). But we just chat about life. He wanted to meet to get a real person behind the chat. We figured out how with my limitations, and we met at the grocery store. The first time he kinda just took off, and said he is objective based so he just wanted to get his things and go. I understand that. If I have a task, I just want to do it and be done. But we met again at the store and just chatted while shopping. It was fine. It would be better to have more time to just chat without focus being split, but it is what it is. So, just friends. The ironic thing is he lives less than a mile from me.
Friends, with benefits
But otherwise I’ve got 3 guys penciled in to meet sometime and a fourth possibility. Only one is more firm than the others and will probably be in April. The others are when travel arrangements happen.
The first is a guy about 30 minutes from me and near where I have good cover stories. He’s only into bateing, maybe oral. He lives alone, about my age, never had a relationship, is smart, into underwear (he has way more than me), is good looking and understanding of my situation and limitations. He doesn’t have a car. He’s into cycling and running, but not quite as much as me I’d say, and other active things. I told him about CB and he said he might be into going on cam, or photos or videos. But, that’s not a requirement for me.
Guy number two is another CB cam guy: someguy3121. He’s single and bisexual. He’s been in my channel a bit. He lives far from me but sometimes comes to my area (I don’t go to his). I won’t bother to describe him since you can see him on CB. We’re pretty similar in sexual tastes and probably very compatible. But it will all depend on my schedule when he’s around my area. He’s obviously very open to going on cam together.
The the last guy penciled in is also another CB cam guy: shortdaddyj. He’s married and gay in an open marriage. He lives where I travel for work, so it would depend on his schedule when I happen to be in his area. You can go see him for yourself as well. We’re pretty alike and compatible as well.
I also have another friend, the guy that actually got me into CB, as a possibility. We stopped chatting when I got addicted to CB, but I reconnected recently. We get along well and he’s a gay guy in a marriage. Would most likely be just bateing. Nothing set or even discussed meeting arrangements, but it could be. He lives somewhat near me, but I don’t have an easy cover story to connect which is probably why there is nothing setup.
Buy Why?
Why am I bringing all this up aside from sharing my life with you? I had the realization when it hit 2024 that this could be the year my life changes. The more I contemplate my life and situation, I wonder why I hold on to monogamy as a thing I care about? Where does the idea come from? And can we hold strong to our values even as we change who we are over time, over our life? There are other things I decided decades ago that I no longer believe in, or admire. Am I not allowed to change who I am and what I believe in my life? I’m not religious, so there’s not push to hold onto my monogamy from that point of view. If I were to get a redo now, I’d be who am I now.
At the same time though, does my partner deserve to know who I am, who I am (have) changing into? If we didn’t have kids, I’d probably come out, risk divorce and move on with my life. This means, despite having said I want to be with her for the rest of our lives, which is still true, I’m only interested in protecting our kids from the effects of divorce. I’ve changed and my beliefs and values have changed.
Am I better off with my partner than without? In some aspects, yes. It’s better than being alone. But the items that I’m better off for are just roommates: sharing living expenses, chores, and general life support items. Anyone could be that. I chat with that friend more than her.
Basic life follow up questions just don’t get asked. I have a side gig. After I got back home last time, my youngest kid asked how it went. She’s never asked that. I go to the doctor. She doesn’t ask why or how it went or am I okay. I’m trying to share with her regardless, but it feels like if she doesn’t care enough to ask, then should I bother telling her?
Oh yeah, and the lack of sex and all that.
So I guess I’m saying all I care about is the kids now. This is heartbreaking to me. It’s the first time I’m saying I’m not IN love her anymore. I care about her, but I’m willing to risk divorce and hurting her in that process. I’m only here for the kids now.
But not the kids. But the kids won’t be young forever. But even college aged kids experience problems when their parents divorce. And divorce is sometimes good for the kids (think an abusive or toxic relationship). Our relationship is none of that. The only benefit to the kids would be to have a better model of a healthy relationship. But if I’m ready to divorce her and not the kids, then therapy is a must. We must try and reconcile first.
Disclaimer
All 5 guys approved me talking about them.
Afterward
In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness.
Between writing this and getting the guys approval, we had the first or second best sex since we resumed. I’ve taken to start asking her at the beginning what the plan is, meaning are we in a hurry? She didn’t say go fast this time. So I asked what’s on the agenda. She said I was in charge. I asked how many positions. She said 2 and I got to pick. I expected her to say 1 and missionary. I was stunned. I picked a new position we’d never done before. She was communicating during and there trying.
Afterward, I asked her what changed, what caused it. She said I gave her a hug that evening, but otherwise didn’t know. The sex isn’t where I want it to be, but I’ll appreciate that it’s a step in the right direction and wasn’t the same old thing.
I found an online bisexual community and shared my story. In discussing, working on the marriage and addressing the problems I have with how she treats me is the best option. This protects the kids, keeps us together, and we can continue to work at it. If it becomes apparent it’s really not something she’s going to work at, then the marriage is over. I can say at least I gave it my all. And if we get back to a good state, then coming out would be more likely to succeed, even if it’s just to be open. So I shouldn’t meet anyone while working on it.
The best advice I’ve received is: In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness. That’s probably the best definition of marriage I’ve ever heard.
Me: “I’m bisexual.” Her: “I’m not surprised.” … Her: “So you like both ways and I like neither.” Me: “I appreciate you’re able to have a sense of humor about it already.”
She doesn’t seem concerned about anything. She’s had a wide sexual spectrum around her for her whole life. She’s had two high school friends transition genders (opposite ways, and they used to date). She said she wasn’t surprised because of the way I’ve looked at guys; that I probably didn’t notice I do that (I don’t). But she never thought to herself “He must be bisexual.”
She didn’t ask any questions. I had answers to commonly asked questions prepared, so I went through those.
Why tell her?
She has a right to know who I am, as a spouse.
It’s been a burden on me.
She should know me and love me for who I am, not a character I present.
Why tell her now?
1 year ago in another online community, a guy announced he had some out to his spouse (wife) as bisexual. I remember thinking at the time “Why the hell would you do that?” After Googling, I came up with the above answer.
I only accepted it to myself a few months after that.
Our conversation last week where she was comfortable with us and felt safe to be vulnerable and I felt close to her, allows me to now feel comfortable and safe to be vulnerable to her.
Gay transition?
Not me. Some people do that to try and soften the blow, but not me.
What changes?
For now, nothing.
We can decide what our marriage looks like going forward, but she now just has more information and we’re still the same.
Tell others (IRL)?
Nope. I think it’s none of their business. Some people might want to tell the world, but I don’t care to. Not kids, not parents.
So, about 10 months of agony and torment are over, and it went well. A journey well spent.
I hear this song on the radio, and the chorus hits me. I wish I was a a disco boy (disco boy). I wish I was a guy that went to clubs, had fun, and partied. I think the song is just referring to heterosexual behavior, going to the clubs; but since I’m who I am, I think it’s the “boi” term. I’m happy with who I am; this just makes me pine for my 20s again and having taken more advantage of the time I had.
So if you are in your 20s, take advantage of the time you have being in the prime years of your life. I know, like you need a dad telling you what to do or giving you more advice.
I read an article recently that basically says whatever decade of life you’re in, 25% think that’s the best. And it’s generally split among the other decades. Until you’re in your 50s. It’s all behind you then. I’ve got a few years left then.
I hit 100 users in the channel for the first time today. I wasn’t even naked. (I took off my shirt after hitting 100.) The only thing that changed was that I was using my phone as a webcam which has a nicer camera than the laptop so it looked nicer, and it was a different angle.
A user (that wishes to remaining anonymous for now at least) straight up bought me a Lovense Edge 2 worth $109 (plus shipping?). I’m floored. They didn’t say anything. I talked to them afterwards, but nothing before hand.
Another user tipped 200 tokens. The largest single token tip ever (for me, I think). They didn’t even stick around and talk to me. I’m stunned.
Five weeks ago I signed up hoping to chat with a few guys over a few months, never expecting to be popular, get any tips (I accidentally signed up for tips, thinking it’s what you had to do to get verified to view cams), or many views at all. I expected to be bored all day waiting around for someone to chat with.
Today we also hit 1450 followers.
I’m still naive in thinking this is surreal. I’ve chatted with quite a few of you who have generally said the same things:
I’m a nice guy (thanks)
I actually talk to folks (fair point, but is it scalable? Maybe not, hence Discord, and limiting PMs now)
I’m sexy (to each their own)
My personality is the most sexy (my best feature, I’ll believe that)
The room is fun (the other users cause that, I’m only one person)
Regardless, I’m naive because I had no idea what to expect. I’m making it up as we go and need to solve the problems. I have no experience in community management.
I’m just happy to chat with y’all once in awhile. Everything else is icing on the cake.
You brought me fame and fortune, and everything that goes with it I thank you all