BiOtterDad (v2)

Category: marriage

  • I’m Bisexual: Coming Out

    I came out as bisexual to my spouse (wife) today.

    Me: “I’m bisexual.”
    Her: “I’m not surprised.”
    …
    Her: “So you like both ways and I like neither.”
    Me: “I appreciate you’re able to have a sense of humor about it already.”

    She doesn’t seem concerned about anything. She’s had a wide sexual spectrum around her for her whole life. She’s had two high school friends transition genders (opposite ways, and they used to date). She said she wasn’t surprised because of the way I’ve looked at guys; that I probably didn’t notice I do that (I don’t). But she never thought to herself “He must be bisexual.”

    She didn’t ask any questions. I had answers to commonly asked questions prepared, so I went through those.

    • Why tell her?
      • She has a right to know who I am, as a spouse.
      • It’s been a burden on me.
      • She should know me and love me for who I am, not a character I present.
    • Why tell her now?
      • 1 year ago in another online community, a guy announced he had some out to his spouse (wife) as bisexual. I remember thinking at the time “Why the hell would you do that?” After Googling, I came up with the above answer.
      • I only accepted it to myself a few months after that.
      • Our conversation last week where she was comfortable with us and felt safe to be vulnerable and I felt close to her, allows me to now feel comfortable and safe to be vulnerable to her.
    • Gay transition?
      • Not me. Some people do that to try and soften the blow, but not me.
    • What changes?
      • For now, nothing.
      • We can decide what our marriage looks like going forward, but she now just has more information and we’re still the same.
    • Tell others (IRL)?
      • Nope. I think it’s none of their business. Some people might want to tell the world, but I don’t care to. Not kids, not parents.

    So, about 10 months of agony and torment are over, and it went well. A journey well spent.

  • Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)

    Today I asked my spouse if she had any suggestions on how I could live not having sex. She said no.

    So, I said when she agreed she was asexual, I Googled “how to live with an asexual spouse”. I was looking for a support group for partners of asexuals and information about how they live with them in their marriage or relationship. The site listed out five options:

    1. Celibacy
      • I don’t want this. I didn’t choose this life and I don’t like having it made for me.
    2. Divorce
      • I don’t want this. She doesn’t want this.
    3. Charity Sex
      • We’ve been doing this for the past year, without knowing it was called this.
      • We’ve had good sex 3 times in the past year, and the rest are “chores.”
      • It felt like “get it over with” and she barely participated.
      • I doubt she’s willing to put forth the effort or time to meet frequency or quality that would satisfy me. In general, I’ve been unhappy with sex for the past year, so choosing this to continue wouldn’t be satisfying.
    4. Wait and hope for her to change
      • Really this is #1 and unfair to expect her to change. Maybe she does, but she is who she is and I accept that.
    5. Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
      • Also known as “open marriage” or “open relationship.”
      • TL;DR: She gives me permission to have sex with others. Being that she knows about it and has given me permission, it’s not cheating.

    She immediately talked about a complication that I don’t want to explain why, but she would need names, but she doesn’t want to know anything, so knowing names would be something.

    She said she didn’t want it ever in our house.

    She also said it would be the end of her and I having sex entirely. I asked if she changed and wanted to be with me again, if I stopped being with others and had multiple test for a year (for example), if she would consider being with me again? She said yes. So, it’s really she’s just worried about STIs, which makes sense. I said they have drugs the help reduce it now, but didn’t go into details. PReP is up to 99% effective in blocking HIV and Doxy PEP is between 50 and 90% effective in blocking STIs (different STIs have different effectiveness).

    But otherwise, she didn’t seem opposed. She wants time to think it through and look for other restrictions she may wish to add or information about it. The next time to discuss is in 2 weeks, but maybe sooner.

    So, all in all, I think it was a positive step and good discussion. Get to move a step closer to having good sex in my life again.

  • I Met A Guy

    I’ve been on Sniffies and Grindr chatting with guys. I left Sniffies open in a tab while working and a guy messaged me. We chatted a bit and kinda connected. We seemed to both be looking for the same things, the only problem was that he lives about an hour North of me. He drives down by my area “multiple times a week” so he said it wouldn’t be a problem. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem. We kept chatting.

    I came across another profile that said

    If your goal is to “chat” forever… move on. LET’S MEET UP. See if we vibe!

    It hit me: I can’t go on these sites without the intention to never meet people. It’s not fair to them. So I messaged the guy to meet up. I had a reason to leave the house mid-day and he said he could make it work. There was no expectation of sex.

    We met at a mall. Ironically, the same mall as my first experience. I had some shopping to do for my cover, so we did that. We then just sat in the food court area for a couple hours and chatted. It was a little weird having met someone. It was a little weird talking about sex and our lives in a public place with others around.

    After we chatted online a little more, I noticed he was getting slower to respond and the messages were getting shorter and I felt he just wasn’t engaged. But he claimed to be super busy with work. Sure. Then came the goodbye message. “The distance is just too much.” I actually asked if this was “the goodbye message” because I was shocked. But it was.

    I was crushed for a night. But I only spent a few weeks chatting and a risk in person. It’s not like we were really long term friends or anything. I still see the app we chatted on at the end and every time I scroll by it I get a twinge of pain. Another papercut.

    I started to feel like “Well, at least I’d finally met someone, in person.” But now I’m noticing the number of times I’m telling guys it’s difficult for me to get out of the house without suspicion. We have cameras on the house, so it’s documented when I leave and return. Not that my partner has ever asked, but nonetheless, having a cover story to ward off suspicion seems to be the smart move. I can’t just leave at 7pm for an hour and come back.

    I have opportunities to get out, but I can count that it would be about 55 times a year, when my schedule dictates it for a small window (1-3 hours) on certain days, at specified times. Who’s going to work around my schedule? I’m high maintenance. They can move on and find what they’re looking for with less trouble.

    And so I’m at the point that I can’t even try to cheat the way I want. I’m obliged to hookups and “right now” or randoms which are more dangerous. It’s not fair to be on the apps and not be able to meet.

    It’s depressing.

    I’m always honest, but to be honest, guys seem to stop chatting with me even without knowing this limitation. We chat, sometimes a good bit, and then it just ends. I dunno if I’m doing it wrong. Am I trying too hard? Not hard enough? Am I boring? Should I talk about sex more? Drive more of the conversation? Maybe I’ve overthinking it. Maybe It’s just not working out. Maybe they have better prospects. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I had an inflated sense of “I’ll go on here and be fighting them off with a stick.” And I’m only fighting them off because I can’t meet. Maybe I’m subconsciously sabotaging the conversations. I’m sure on a few I’ve messed up. Sure. But it just seems like it’s not working well. Maybe.

    But does it matter? I can’t meet anyone anyways.

  • Another Conversation: Reflection

    After being able to process this for a bit, I felt honored and closer to her than I have in a long time that she felt comfortable enough or safe enough to confide in me something that she is, how she really feels, and not be afraid of repercussions or whatnot. It sounds counterintuitive really, since she’s basically said “stay away” but now I feel closer to her. We did snuggle for a few minutes last night. So…. there’s that at least. I told her this too. She’s the one that came up with the “safe” term.

    I also now feel better than ever that coming out to her won’t be problematic and it will be successful (read: not divorce). I just have to hope that she’ll let me open the marriage so I can satisfy my urges and desires. But cross one bridge at a time. We crossed one yesterday. We had a breakthrough.

    One thing I read recently: You can’t stop desire, it’s who you are. You can control your actions.

    So, I feel relieved. I know the situation. I’m not stuck in limbo and there’s been progress — a step forward — finally. I could see the whole drama being all over in 2 weeks.

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