Temptation

And A Brief Recent History of My Marriage

It’s been a rough last 3 weeks.

Last summer, my wife and I came to an agreement of sex once a week on average; most probably Friday or Saturday, but nothing is guaranteed. I can ask anytime, but weeknights are probably a no, but there’s always a chance — though in reality, it’s never happened since our agreement. During her period, it’s time off and doesn’t count.

Regardless, three weeks ago she gave a no on Friday and Saturday. I asked for a “rain check,” which she granted, but I’ve yet to try and cash in. Skipping one week isn’t the end of things. Her typical reason is “She’s tired” (more on this later). The next weekend turned out to be her period. I’m usually aware of signs when it’s starting, but it was literally just starting. I asked Friday, and got that no response. Fair enough. Then this past weekend, I got a no again, both nights with the same “too tired.” I’m not sure what good a rain check is if the foundation isn’t there.

Sure, people have phases they get tired. Maybe they sleep less, stay up later, random events, or otherwise (un?)explainable reasons. My complaint is she doesn’t do anything to try and solve her tiredness. She doesn’t sleep in but maybe an hour on weekends, but that’s mitigated by staying up a little later usually the night before. She doesn’t take naps. She doesn’t try and go to bed earlier. Worse yet, she occasionally will stay up late with a kid or watching some shows. She’ll also drink a few nights a week, not always drunk, but at least intoxicated. If you don’t know, alcohol affects your sleep. The best phase I’ve ever heard about alcohol is “You’re stealing happiness from the future.” In short, there’s no effort to prioritize me in her life. Getting 15 minutes less sleep for a better marriage isn’t valuable for her. More sleep at the time when other changes could be made to get that 15 minutes elsewhere. I feel unvalued in our marriage. Lower than sleep, shows, alcohol or basic efforts to try and make sleep improvements. I feel rejected, though that may be unfair because she might be asexual. So it’s not really a rejection of me as much as just anyone and everyone.

It hurts.

And without sex, I’ve become tempted to stray again. Which is really what this post is about. I’ve been on Sniffies and Grindr chatting with local guys. There’s lots to choose from. I haven’t met anyone, and I honestly am fearful to do so. Both for consequences to my marriage, but STD and STI and more. I’ve done my research. Getting MPox vaccinated seems important. Maybe getting PrEP.

In a previous post, I said:

So, chatting with guys online is my limit. I have to accept that limit and be fine with that, or something has to change. I can change my line, which feels wrong. I can come out, which feels disastrous. Or be stuck in limbo until I’m willing to accept divorce as a consequence.

So here I am, tempted and starting to make connections. Technically I’m still at the line as all I’ve done it chat. But the implication of being on Sniffies or Grindr is to meet someone, eventually. Have I made the decision to do so? No. But it feels all be inevitable.

I’ve told myself multiple times in the past 3 days “I’ve given up on our marriage.” I’m going through the motions to keep the peace. But there’s nothing there for me. What happens if she asks for sex? Do I turn it down? If I haven’t been with anyone else, maybe not? I’m not sure she will ask though. She hasn’t in forever. It would be a good experiment to see how long it will take her to ask. If I have been with someone else, just turn it down? What if she then asks about why I’m turning her down? “Too tired” would be a fun :burn: answer, but would a conversation be better? Those types of conversations are better had during daytime and not late night in bed.

Some more comments and statistics about infidelity in marriage with a specific bisexual male take:

Only 22% of women say that their husband cheating with a man would be acceptable to them, and 62% of women would rather their husband cheat on them with a woman than a guy.

… women likely to stay with their male partner, who has sex with another man (only 26 percent of women would stay in relationship).

During the ‘80s, and the Oprah-driven panic of the “down-low” phenomena, where straight-acting men were having often unprotected homosexual sex, and possibly exposing their unsuspecting wives and girlfriends to STD and HIV, there were compelling studies of the stigma of bisexuality. Researcher Greg Herek found that on a spectrum of trust and stigma, bisexuals rank below intravenous drug-users. In fact, lawyers are often regarded as more trustworthy than bisexuals (ouch).
…
Male bisexuals are seen as more disturbed, untrustworthy and dangerous than are female bisexuals.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/women-who-stray/201101/does-bisexual-infidelity-count
https://hackspirit.com/infidelity-statistics/

There’s no good option. I do have other options, but this feels like the only one with the strongest possibility of achieving success in all parts.

In trying to rationalize and make it acceptable, I’ve thought of all kinds of things. I’ve mentioned my vows. Thinking back, we didn’t say “… forsaking all others …”, but that feels like a technicality. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Any and all such rationalizations don’t change reality.

Somewhat unrelated: Combined with work going nuts and being exhausting (mentally), and I haven’t been sleeping well again, it’s been affecting me physically. I’ve stopped exercising (I am too tired — the irony!). I’ve sought medical help, and hopefully I find out soon a solution to my sleep problem, which maybe will help improve my mental state. I sometimes worry my mental state is giving an inaccurate picture of the state of my marriage.

But none of this answers the real question. Nothing will but time.