In couples therapy today my spouse accused me of cheating.
I feel like he’s going around my back or plans to.
I said
I have never cheated, and I do not plan to cheat.
Then it hit me. She thinks I was cheating on her. She didn’t trust me. And despite any evidence that I was cheating, which doesn’t exist because I wasn’t, she still thought I was.
Her justification was from when I asked for ENM, and if someone is willing to think about that then that’s what they planned to do. The therapist pointed out her logical gap, that people think lots of things, but that doesn’t mean it’s what they do or plan. She relented.
But I was devastated. I was hurt. After all the temptation, and choice to not cheat because I didn’t want to hurt her, and it’s not who I want to be, I was guilty anyways. Her logical misstep makes sense, but at the same time, that can’t be the only thing that is needed before you confront someone.
One of my core values, a foundation of who I am, is that I am authentic. Asking for ENM is not what cheaters do. Cheaters are going to cheat. I was trying to be honest (ethical) and transparent and asking for permission.
The therapist urged her to apologize.
I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me when you asked for ENM.
That’s not an apology. Tit-for-tat isn’t okay, and doesn’t excuse your accusation now.
I have a pit in my stomach. I have a hole in my soul and my heart.
I’m sorry I hurt you. I can understand how you’re feeling because I felt that way when you asked for ENM. I cried in the car and had conversations with myself in the car for weeks. I should have taken the years of faithful marriage and dating years in to account.
I’m sorry I hurt you.
Trust is foundational in a marriage. It shows she doesn’t know me at all. (And me asking her for ENM showed I don’t know her.)
Sometimes I come across some lyrics that just sum things up.
I could leave but I won’t go Though my heart might tell me so I can’t feel a thing from my head down to my toes So why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me S’always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all
…
Truth is I love you More than I wanted to There’s no point in trying to pretend There’s been no-one who Makes me feel like you do Say we’ll be together til the end
“That’s All” dwells in the can’t live with you, can’t live without you relationship limbo that many other songs have inhabited. … But why does it always seem to be / Me lookin’ at you, you lookin’ at me, the narrator complains, evoking how they are unable to communicate their way through their conflicts. Indeed, the lack of a middle ground seems to be dooming their chances: Taking it all instead of taking one bite. Still, in the bridge, he admits that his feelings for her are too strong to simply write off this affair: Truth is I love you / More than I wanted to do.
I had my first blood check from starting testosterone injections. My hematocrit levels were high (54.1, 37.5-51 is normal), a common side affect of testosterone, so they wanted me to donate blood and stop injections until I get my blood rechecked. It felt really good to donate blood, at least in the mental sense. It’s one of those things you should be doing to be a part of your community, and they always need more blood.
Me Hemoglobin was down to normal level (17.4, 13-17.7) when I went to donate blood, so I was pretty sure this was going to work well. After donating blood I was to wait 72 hours and then get rechecked. I was on work travel so I had to wait 7 days. My hematocrit levels were back to normal, 47.3. So the plan is to donate every 2 months to help keep the blood down. That’s the minimum amount of time you can do it without a prescription. Fun fact, you can get a prescription to donate blood. If needed, they’ll have me do it monthly. Being dehydrated can also affect this number (amongst other things), but that probably isn’t my problem.
So my testosterone was in the 750s (before skipping the dose). Up to 900-1000 is normal, so they want to increase my dose from 180/week to 200/week. This should get me around 800. So skipping a dose made my symptoms come back, poor sleep and fatigue. But it could also have been stress from the work trip. Regardless, I hope to get back to feeling better in another week.
Finally, I’ve gained weight. I’m up to 154 pounds. I was down to around 141-144. I’m hoping that the testosterone is causing my body to go “Hey cool! Let’s build some muscle.” But I don’t know for sure. Regardless, I’m still within normal BMI for my height, so it’s not a concern, other than my jeans are a little snug in the butt.
I didn’t want to write this. I know I’ve left you all hanging for weeks for which I apologize. But writing this makes it more real and I didn’t want to do that.
She said did doesn’t believe that non-monogamy can be ethical. It’s a contradiction. Therefore, it would be a sham marriage and she wouldn’t be happy to tell or talk about it with anyone, regardless that she never actually world but that it’s not something she wants to do because she couldn’t talk about it.
We had good sex that night. But the next day I still felt terrible. In 2023, when we had good sex (3 times), I felt great for days afterwards. I didn’t this time. I don’t know what that means.
So we agreed to couples therapy two weeks later. We went (a week ago) and it felt like we just rehashed all the same arguments. For the first session, maybe it’s just a setup and we can’t expect progress. The therapist did give us homework to do:
What attracts me to her?
What do I need from her?
What do I need from her in order to get to a more “natural” emotional state?
What needs need to be met?
What would a date night look like?
And my spouse would answer the same things of me.
And some issues kept happening since therapy and I got tired of trying so I stopped. I do the basics to be a good roommate, but I feel like all the effort we’ve made is sometimes two steps forward and one step back. Old issues resurface and occur again which undoes progress.
I’m on-call this week for work. On Wednesday-Thursday night I woke up after 1.5 hours from going to sleep and was up for 2 hours. I finally felt ready to go back to sleep and then I got a page for work. It was a real problem this time so I was up for 2 more hours. In total, I got 4.5 hours of sleep that night. In the morning I was tired and groggy.
When I make coffee, I like half and half and sugar. In making coffee Thursday morning I get the sugar out of the pantry, make coffee, and return it. She has asked me to close the pantry door when done using it, so I do. But sometimes she’s doing something in the kitchen and she’ll close the pantry door. I think it’s rude to close it when I have something out. This time I was going to put eh sugar away and she was already at the pantry and closed it with me behind her. I sighed and started putting it away and she said “Sorry, it’s just habit.” I feel that’s not an apology. When I was closing the door the sugar fell and made a loud noise (but didn’t spill) and I looked back and was too tired to care. I’ll get it later. She went and got it and put it away. Today she said she felt like I gave her a look “You put it away bitch.” I feel like we assume a terrible thing about each other when there is often a much more benign solution.
It sounds silly to write out this incident now.
But I feel like she doesn’t care about me. She says she does, but then does things like this that show she doesn’t. She didn’t ask how I was feeling. I’ve asked her recently how she was feeling and she didn’t ask me back.
I approached her today to talk and started off “Are you ready to talk about divorce?” and she said “Yes.” So we spent an hour discussing our joint ownership of things and child custody arrangements. It was pretty civil. In the divorce paperwork there’s a statement we agree to that “the marriage is irrevocably broken and cannot be repaired.” I asked her if she felt that way and she said she’s not sure; I feel the same.
So we’re not going to do anything just yet. We’ll think about it. We’ll attend our scheduled therapy session in a week. We’ll check back in 2 weeks. We’re going to give each other some space, which is difficult to do living together with kids and needing to coordinate, but we’ll do what we can.
It’s scary. I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re still going to be a part of each other’s lives for a decade because of kids, but it’ll be less.
From the advice in a comment on another post to find a gay friend to be friends with, without sex, I changed all my profiles on the apps to state “just looking for chat or friendship.” It’s really cut down on the number of guys, which hurts the ego, but it’s probably more accurate to what I’m looking for.
Friends
One partnered gay guy reached out and we have been chatting for weeks now. There’s no expectation of sex. I’m not his type (ow?), but he’s not my type either (sorry?). But we just chat about life. He wanted to meet to get a real person behind the chat. We figured out how with my limitations, and we met at the grocery store. The first time he kinda just took off, and said he is objective based so he just wanted to get his things and go. I understand that. If I have a task, I just want to do it and be done. But we met again at the store and just chatted while shopping. It was fine. It would be better to have more time to just chat without focus being split, but it is what it is. So, just friends. The ironic thing is he lives less than a mile from me.
Friends, with benefits
But otherwise I’ve got 3 guys penciled in to meet sometime and a fourth possibility. Only one is more firm than the others and will probably be in April. The others are when travel arrangements happen.
The first is a guy about 30 minutes from me and near where I have good cover stories. He’s only into bateing, maybe oral. He lives alone, about my age, never had a relationship, is smart, into underwear (he has way more than me), is good looking and understanding of my situation and limitations. He doesn’t have a car. He’s into cycling and running, but not quite as much as me I’d say, and other active things. I told him about CB and he said he might be into going on cam, or photos or videos. But, that’s not a requirement for me.
Guy number two is another CB cam guy: someguy3121. He’s single and bisexual. He’s been in my channel a bit. He lives far from me but sometimes comes to my area (I don’t go to his). I won’t bother to describe him since you can see him on CB. We’re pretty similar in sexual tastes and probably very compatible. But it will all depend on my schedule when he’s around my area. He’s obviously very open to going on cam together.
The the last guy penciled in is also another CB cam guy: shortdaddyj. He’s married and gay in an open marriage. He lives where I travel for work, so it would depend on his schedule when I happen to be in his area. You can go see him for yourself as well. We’re pretty alike and compatible as well.
I also have another friend, the guy that actually got me into CB, as a possibility. We stopped chatting when I got addicted to CB, but I reconnected recently. We get along well and he’s a gay guy in a marriage. Would most likely be just bateing. Nothing set or even discussed meeting arrangements, but it could be. He lives somewhat near me, but I don’t have an easy cover story to connect which is probably why there is nothing setup.
Buy Why?
Why am I bringing all this up aside from sharing my life with you? I had the realization when it hit 2024 that this could be the year my life changes. The more I contemplate my life and situation, I wonder why I hold on to monogamy as a thing I care about? Where does the idea come from? And can we hold strong to our values even as we change who we are over time, over our life? There are other things I decided decades ago that I no longer believe in, or admire. Am I not allowed to change who I am and what I believe in my life? I’m not religious, so there’s not push to hold onto my monogamy from that point of view. If I were to get a redo now, I’d be who am I now.
At the same time though, does my partner deserve to know who I am, who I am (have) changing into? If we didn’t have kids, I’d probably come out, risk divorce and move on with my life. This means, despite having said I want to be with her for the rest of our lives, which is still true, I’m only interested in protecting our kids from the effects of divorce. I’ve changed and my beliefs and values have changed.
Am I better off with my partner than without? In some aspects, yes. It’s better than being alone. But the items that I’m better off for are just roommates: sharing living expenses, chores, and general life support items. Anyone could be that. I chat with that friend more than her.
Basic life follow up questions just don’t get asked. I have a side gig. After I got back home last time, my youngest kid asked how it went. She’s never asked that. I go to the doctor. She doesn’t ask why or how it went or am I okay. I’m trying to share with her regardless, but it feels like if she doesn’t care enough to ask, then should I bother telling her?
Oh yeah, and the lack of sex and all that.
So I guess I’m saying all I care about is the kids now. This is heartbreaking to me. It’s the first time I’m saying I’m not IN love her anymore. I care about her, but I’m willing to risk divorce and hurting her in that process. I’m only here for the kids now.
But not the kids. But the kids won’t be young forever. But even college aged kids experience problems when their parents divorce. And divorce is sometimes good for the kids (think an abusive or toxic relationship). Our relationship is none of that. The only benefit to the kids would be to have a better model of a healthy relationship. But if I’m ready to divorce her and not the kids, then therapy is a must. We must try and reconcile first.
Disclaimer
All 5 guys approved me talking about them.
Afterward
In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness.
Between writing this and getting the guys approval, we had the first or second best sex since we resumed. I’ve taken to start asking her at the beginning what the plan is, meaning are we in a hurry? She didn’t say go fast this time. So I asked what’s on the agenda. She said I was in charge. I asked how many positions. She said 2 and I got to pick. I expected her to say 1 and missionary. I was stunned. I picked a new position we’d never done before. She was communicating during and there trying.
Afterward, I asked her what changed, what caused it. She said I gave her a hug that evening, but otherwise didn’t know. The sex isn’t where I want it to be, but I’ll appreciate that it’s a step in the right direction and wasn’t the same old thing.
I found an online bisexual community and shared my story. In discussing, working on the marriage and addressing the problems I have with how she treats me is the best option. This protects the kids, keeps us together, and we can continue to work at it. If it becomes apparent it’s really not something she’s going to work at, then the marriage is over. I can say at least I gave it my all. And if we get back to a good state, then coming out would be more likely to succeed, even if it’s just to be open. So I shouldn’t meet anyone while working on it.
The best advice I’ve received is: In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness. That’s probably the best definition of marriage I’ve ever heard.
Today I asked my spouse if she had any suggestions on how I could live not having sex. She said no.
So, I said when she agreed she was asexual, I Googled “how to live with an asexual spouse”. I was looking for a support group for partners of asexuals and information about how they live with them in their marriage or relationship. The site listed out five options:
Celibacy
I don’t want this. I didn’t choose this life and I don’t like having it made for me.
Divorce
I don’t want this. She doesn’t want this.
Charity Sex
We’ve been doing this for the past year, without knowing it was called this.
We’ve had good sex 3 times in the past year, and the rest are “chores.”
It felt like “get it over with” and she barely participated.
I doubt she’s willing to put forth the effort or time to meet frequency or quality that would satisfy me. In general, I’ve been unhappy with sex for the past year, so choosing this to continue wouldn’t be satisfying.
Wait and hope for her to change
Really this is #1 and unfair to expect her to change. Maybe she does, but she is who she is and I accept that.
Also known as “open marriage” or “open relationship.”
TL;DR: She gives me permission to have sex with others. Being that she knows about it and has given me permission, it’s not cheating.
She immediately talked about a complication that I don’t want to explain why, but she would need names, but she doesn’t want to know anything, so knowing names would be something.
She said she didn’t want it ever in our house.
She also said it would be the end of her and I having sex entirely. I asked if she changed and wanted to be with me again, if I stopped being with others and had multiple test for a year (for example), if she would consider being with me again? She said yes. So, it’s really she’s just worried about STIs, which makes sense. I said they have drugs the help reduce it now, but didn’t go into details. PReP is up to 99% effective in blocking HIV and Doxy PEP is between 50 and 90% effective in blocking STIs (different STIs have different effectiveness).
But otherwise, she didn’t seem opposed. She wants time to think it through and look for other restrictions she may wish to add or information about it. The next time to discuss is in 2 weeks, but maybe sooner.
So, all in all, I think it was a positive step and good discussion. Get to move a step closer to having good sex in my life again.
Me: “I’m bisexual.” Her: “I’m not surprised.” … Her: “So you like both ways and I like neither.” Me: “I appreciate you’re able to have a sense of humor about it already.”
She doesn’t seem concerned about anything. She’s had a wide sexual spectrum around her for her whole life. She’s had two high school friends transition genders (opposite ways, and they used to date). She said she wasn’t surprised because of the way I’ve looked at guys; that I probably didn’t notice I do that (I don’t). But she never thought to herself “He must be bisexual.”
She didn’t ask any questions. I had answers to commonly asked questions prepared, so I went through those.
Why tell her?
She has a right to know who I am, as a spouse.
It’s been a burden on me.
She should know me and love me for who I am, not a character I present.
Why tell her now?
1 year ago in another online community, a guy announced he had some out to his spouse (wife) as bisexual. I remember thinking at the time “Why the hell would you do that?” After Googling, I came up with the above answer.
I only accepted it to myself a few months after that.
Our conversation last week where she was comfortable with us and felt safe to be vulnerable and I felt close to her, allows me to now feel comfortable and safe to be vulnerable to her.
Gay transition?
Not me. Some people do that to try and soften the blow, but not me.
What changes?
For now, nothing.
We can decide what our marriage looks like going forward, but she now just has more information and we’re still the same.
Tell others (IRL)?
Nope. I think it’s none of their business. Some people might want to tell the world, but I don’t care to. Not kids, not parents.
So, about 10 months of agony and torment are over, and it went well. A journey well spent.
During the pandemic (2020) I developed insomnia. I can go to sleep fine, but wake up after 4 hours or so and can’t get back to sleep for 1 to 2 hours, if at all. My work performance dropped. I became irritable. I had trouble concentrating or remembering things. I had a “fog” over my brain. I did my Googling with my symptoms and convinced myself I had diabetes.
Diagnosis
I went to the doctor in fall 2021 and plead my case and symptoms and at the end he says “You don’t have diabetes. You have depression.” I had major clinical depression a decade before. (I was on drugs for a year and then got off and was fine.) He thought maybe a sleep study would be a good idea, but we decided to try drugs and see how it goes.
So he gives me an antidepressant and sleeping pills (also an antidepressant). I somewhat get better. The fog goes away quickly. But I don’t like the sleeping pills. Even though I sleep through the night, sleeping for 8-9 hours on them feels worse than 7 hours without. But it’s better than 4-6 hours, but I don’t need them every night, but I don’t know when I’ll need them until it’s too late to take them.
I’m generally better now, but my sleep insomnia is back, and I feel tired all the time. I’m irritable again and have headaches. I stopped exercising altogether in October, but before stopping I was down to one day a week for months with another “break” in the spring, because it makes me feel even more tired for days afterwards.
I went in for a routine annual physical and when I got the blood work results, it says I have high CO2 in my blood. I looked it up online and it said it could be caused by sleep apnea. I remembered his thoughts earlier about a sleep study and being tired now, so I asked him if he thought we should try it now and he agreed.
I met with the specialist and they gave me an at home test. You wear yourself and connect to an app on your phone and it uploads the data they can look at. I have mild sleep apnea. They look at two numbers. One of mine was not normal but the other was. But they won’t do anything for it because the bad number isn’t a risk for heart problems and it’s mild. She said she doesn’t think sleep apnea is the cause of my problems. An expensive $750 to learn this, but at least we can rule it out.
I’d heard the commercials on the sports talk radio shows about low testosterone. Some of the symptoms match so I went in. They did a blood test and yes, I have low testosterone. I was about 250 (300+ is normal) and 225 (they test twice on different days for confirmation). My free testosterone was about 5.5 (normal 2-5).
Treatment
So I started testosterone injections. I’ve done 3 now. Improvements can be in as little as 2 weeks, but most guys are 6-10 weeks. My sleep has improved somewhat. I started exercising again multiple times a week. So, I’m trending in the right direction. I have to get another blood work done in a few weeks to monitor for possible complications and maybe an adjustment in dosage. They start everyone at 180mg per week and then adjust.
So guys, if you are having these problems, maybe think about getting tested. It’s just a blood test. I got a PSA number as well, so kinda killed two needs with one blood test.
There are possible complications, so please read up on them and consult with your doctor. It may not be a good option if you have other health concerns (heart related specifically).
I’ve been on Sniffies and Grindr chatting with guys. I left Sniffies open in a tab while working and a guy messaged me. We chatted a bit and kinda connected. We seemed to both be looking for the same things, the only problem was that he lives about an hour North of me. He drives down by my area “multiple times a week” so he said it wouldn’t be a problem. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem. We kept chatting.
I came across another profile that said
If your goal is to “chat” forever… move on. LET’S MEET UP. See if we vibe!
It hit me: I can’t go on these sites without the intention to never meet people. It’s not fair to them. So I messaged the guy to meet up. I had a reason to leave the house mid-day and he said he could make it work. There was no expectation of sex.
We met at a mall. Ironically, the same mall as my first experience. I had some shopping to do for my cover, so we did that. We then just sat in the food court area for a couple hours and chatted. It was a little weird having met someone. It was a little weird talking about sex and our lives in a public place with others around.
After we chatted online a little more, I noticed he was getting slower to respond and the messages were getting shorter and I felt he just wasn’t engaged. But he claimed to be super busy with work. Sure. Then came the goodbye message. “The distance is just too much.” I actually asked if this was “the goodbye message” because I was shocked. But it was.
I was crushed for a night. But I only spent a few weeks chatting and a risk in person. It’s not like we were really long term friends or anything. I still see the app we chatted on at the end and every time I scroll by it I get a twinge of pain. Another papercut.
I started to feel like “Well, at least I’d finally met someone, in person.” But now I’m noticing the number of times I’m telling guys it’s difficult for me to get out of the house without suspicion. We have cameras on the house, so it’s documented when I leave and return. Not that my partner has ever asked, but nonetheless, having a cover story to ward off suspicion seems to be the smart move. I can’t just leave at 7pm for an hour and come back.
I have opportunities to get out, but I can count that it would be about 55 times a year, when my schedule dictates it for a small window (1-3 hours) on certain days, at specified times. Who’s going to work around my schedule? I’m high maintenance. They can move on and find what they’re looking for with less trouble.
And so I’m at the point that I can’t even try to cheat the way I want. I’m obliged to hookups and “right now” or randoms which are more dangerous. It’s not fair to be on the apps and not be able to meet.
It’s depressing.
I’m always honest, but to be honest, guys seem to stop chatting with me even without knowing this limitation. We chat, sometimes a good bit, and then it just ends. I dunno if I’m doing it wrong. Am I trying too hard? Not hard enough? Am I boring? Should I talk about sex more? Drive more of the conversation? Maybe I’ve overthinking it. Maybe It’s just not working out. Maybe they have better prospects. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I had an inflated sense of “I’ll go on here and be fighting them off with a stick.” And I’m only fighting them off because I can’t meet. Maybe I’m subconsciously sabotaging the conversations. I’m sure on a few I’ve messed up. Sure. But it just seems like it’s not working well. Maybe.
I’m not sure how she will react, and my research gives a 16% chance of the marriage continuing past a few years, 66% likely to end within 1 year.
Conservative estimates indicate that roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex. When these partners come out of the closet, one-third of these relationships break up right away, a third stay together for a year and then separate, and another third commit to making it work–although three years later, only half of this last group of relationships are still intact.
The only reason I would come out would be to get permission to see guys. That seems to be a lower likelihood than marriage ending altogether, and more likely to cause divorce.
So, chatting with guys online is my limit. I have to accept that limit and be fine with that, or something has to change. I can change my line, which feels wrong. I can come out, which feels disastrous. Or be stuck in limbo until I’m willing to accept divorce as a consequence.
The worst feeling is being in limbo with no control over the resolution. I can’t solve the problem. There is no “just do this and you’ll have your answer.” So the mental grief has been building in the last few weeks. I’m okay most times, but there’s been a few nights that it’s overwhelming and I shut down.