I’ve been on Sniffies and Grindr chatting with guys. I left Sniffies open in a tab while working and a guy messaged me. We chatted a bit and kinda connected. We seemed to both be looking for the same things, the only problem was that he lives about an hour North of me. He drives down by my area “multiple times a week” so he said it wouldn’t be a problem. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem. We kept chatting.
I came across another profile that said
If your goal is to “chat” forever… move on. LET’S MEET UP. See if we vibe!
It hit me: I can’t go on these sites without the intention to never meet people. It’s not fair to them. So I messaged the guy to meet up. I had a reason to leave the house mid-day and he said he could make it work. There was no expectation of sex.
We met at a mall. Ironically, the same mall as my first experience. I had some shopping to do for my cover, so we did that. We then just sat in the food court area for a couple hours and chatted. It was a little weird having met someone. It was a little weird talking about sex and our lives in a public place with others around.
After we chatted online a little more, I noticed he was getting slower to respond and the messages were getting shorter and I felt he just wasn’t engaged. But he claimed to be super busy with work. Sure. Then came the goodbye message. “The distance is just too much.” I actually asked if this was “the goodbye message” because I was shocked. But it was.
I was crushed for a night. But I only spent a few weeks chatting and a risk in person. It’s not like we were really long term friends or anything. I still see the app we chatted on at the end and every time I scroll by it I get a twinge of pain. Another papercut.
I started to feel like “Well, at least I’d finally met someone, in person.” But now I’m noticing the number of times I’m telling guys it’s difficult for me to get out of the house without suspicion. We have cameras on the house, so it’s documented when I leave and return. Not that my partner has ever asked, but nonetheless, having a cover story to ward off suspicion seems to be the smart move. I can’t just leave at 7pm for an hour and come back.
I have opportunities to get out, but I can count that it would be about 55 times a year, when my schedule dictates it for a small window (1-3 hours) on certain days, at specified times. Who’s going to work around my schedule? I’m high maintenance. They can move on and find what they’re looking for with less trouble.
And so I’m at the point that I can’t even try to cheat the way I want. I’m obliged to hookups and “right now” or randoms which are more dangerous. It’s not fair to be on the apps and not be able to meet.
It’s depressing.
I’m always honest, but to be honest, guys seem to stop chatting with me even without knowing this limitation. We chat, sometimes a good bit, and then it just ends. I dunno if I’m doing it wrong. Am I trying too hard? Not hard enough? Am I boring? Should I talk about sex more? Drive more of the conversation? Maybe I’ve overthinking it. Maybe It’s just not working out. Maybe they have better prospects. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I had an inflated sense of “I’ll go on here and be fighting them off with a stick.” And I’m only fighting them off because I can’t meet. Maybe I’m subconsciously sabotaging the conversations. I’m sure on a few I’ve messed up. Sure. But it just seems like it’s not working well. Maybe.
But does it matter? I can’t meet anyone anyways.
It’s important to remember that on gay apps, there are many different reasons people may be on. Very frequently, it’s purely for sex– or sex needs to be on the table. But the reasons can also be much more mysterious than that and personal to each user. I know it’s hard not to take things personally when someone stops messaging or says they aren’t interested, especially if you aren’t sharing many personal details about yourself. I’ve been there, and it can be difficult.
Above all else, it seems like you need a friend who’s out, gets what you’re going through, but doesn’t have the expectation of sex (flirting is still always fun though!). It’s rare to find those people on the apps– though I’ve had slightly more luck on things like Scruff. Or maybe you could start with finding a gay therapist who can do sessions remotely while you’re home alone. For me, it was mostly a shift in my mindset in how I engaged with the apps, but was healthier in the long run. Hang in there!
Thanks for the advice and information. It is helpful. I agree, don’t take it personal. We chatted on an app. It’s not a big deal. I guess I’m the type to take it to the extremes (I like the Billy Joel song). I just go for chat and hot guys and pics now. I’ve stopped expecting anything to happen, mostly because of my side. So, just a learning curve.
I’ve been in therapy once, for a few months. It wasn’t great. And I’m cheap.
Any ideas where to find my non-sexual gay navigator friend? Is there an app for that?
Still lots to get from apps with chat and hot pics haha, so I get that. I was in your state during covid, and had better luck with Scruff than Grindr. However the obvious caveat is not many people were going outside, so more were more open to just chatting.
I also remember it having better luck when reaching out to guys from other states, since if they’re down to chat there isn’t an expectation to meet up anyways– it just becomes a perk if someone happens to travel through the other’s area.
I’m always a huge proponent of trying therapy, especially with someone who’s bi or gay. If anything it gives a space to air your thoughts and verbalize things, even if the therapist isn’t super helpful lol
I’m trying to set up a therapy appointment. Found a great match and just trying to figure out the schedule. Thanks for the push.
I also changed all my apps bios to State “only looking for chat and friends.” I had a gay guy reach out and we’ve been chatting for weeks now. No expectation of sex (I’m not his type regardless, neither is he mine) and just friendship. The ironic part is he lives less than a mile from me.
He wanted to meet to get a real person behind the chat. We figured out how and did it. I guess that’s real friendship?
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thanks for this. Same situation. Wife closely monitors where and when I go. I’m retired and going out for yard work in the morning but most guys want meet at night. Just can’t disappear for an hour then. I keep looking and hoping to find a bud. More than just mutual bjs, but still basically sex. Lot of no shows I chalk up to my age. A 20 yo said it would be like blowing gramps. Lol. I wouldn’t think a warm mouth on a dick would be age related. I’m not as eager on sniffies as I was. Wish we were neighbors.