Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)

Today I asked my spouse if she had any suggestions on how I could live not having sex. She said no.

So, I said when she agreed she was asexual, I Googled “how to live with an asexual spouse”. I was looking for a support group for partners of asexuals and information about how they live with them in their marriage or relationship. The site listed out five options:

1. Celibacy
   • I don’t want this. I didn’t choose this life and I don’t like having it made for me.
2. Divorce
   • I don’t want this. She doesn’t want this.
3. Charity Sex
   • We’ve been doing this for the past year, without knowing it was called this.
   • We’ve had good sex 3 times in the past year, and the rest are “chores.”
   • It felt like “get it over with” and she barely participated.
   • I doubt she’s willing to put forth the effort or time to meet frequency or quality that would satisfy me. In general, I’ve been unhappy with sex for the past year, so choosing this to continue wouldn’t be satisfying.
4. Wait and hope for her to change
   • Really this is #1 and unfair to expect her to change. Maybe she does, but she is who she is and I accept that.
5. Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
   • Also known as “open marriage” or “open relationship.”
   • TL;DR: She gives me permission to have sex with others. Being that she knows about it and has given me permission, it’s not cheating.

She immediately talked about a complication that I don’t want to explain why, but she would need names, but she doesn’t want to know anything, so knowing names would be something.

She said she didn’t want it ever in our house.

She also said it would be the end of her and I having sex entirely. I asked if she changed and wanted to be with me again, if I stopped being with others and had multiple test for a year (for example), if she would consider being with me again? She said yes. So, it’s really she’s just worried about STIs, which makes sense. I said they have drugs the help reduce it now, but didn’t go into details. PReP is up to 99% effective in blocking HIV and Doxy PEP is between 50 and 90% effective in blocking STIs (different STIs have different effectiveness).

But otherwise, she didn’t seem opposed. She wants time to think it through and look for other restrictions she may wish to add or information about it. The next time to discuss is in 2 weeks, but maybe sooner.

So, all in all, I think it was a positive step and good discussion. Get to move a step closer to having good sex in my life again.