From the advice in a comment on another post to find a gay friend to be friends with, without sex, I changed all my profiles on the apps to state “just looking for chat or friendship.” It’s really cut down on the number of guys, which hurts the ego, but it’s probably more accurate to what I’m looking for.
Friends
One partnered gay guy reached out and we have been chatting for weeks now. There’s no expectation of sex. I’m not his type (ow?), but he’s not my type either (sorry?). But we just chat about life. He wanted to meet to get a real person behind the chat. We figured out how with my limitations, and we met at the grocery store. The first time he kinda just took off, and said he is objective based so he just wanted to get his things and go. I understand that. If I have a task, I just want to do it and be done. But we met again at the store and just chatted while shopping. It was fine. It would be better to have more time to just chat without focus being split, but it is what it is. So, just friends. The ironic thing is he lives less than a mile from me.
Friends, with benefits
But otherwise I’ve got 3 guys penciled in to meet sometime and a fourth possibility. Only one is more firm than the others and will probably be in April. The others are when travel arrangements happen.
The first is a guy about 30 minutes from me and near where I have good cover stories. He’s only into bateing, maybe oral. He lives alone, about my age, never had a relationship, is smart, into underwear (he has way more than me), is good looking and understanding of my situation and limitations. He doesn’t have a car. He’s into cycling and running, but not quite as much as me I’d say, and other active things. I told him about CB and he said he might be into going on cam, or photos or videos. But, that’s not a requirement for me.
Guy number two is another CB cam guy: someguy3121. He’s single and bisexual. He’s been in my channel a bit. He lives far from me but sometimes comes to my area (I don’t go to his). I won’t bother to describe him since you can see him on CB. We’re pretty similar in sexual tastes and probably very compatible. But it will all depend on my schedule when he’s around my area. He’s obviously very open to going on cam together.
The the last guy penciled in is also another CB cam guy: shortdaddyj. He’s married and gay in an open marriage. He lives where I travel for work, so it would depend on his schedule when I happen to be in his area. You can go see him for yourself as well. We’re pretty alike and compatible as well.
I also have another friend, the guy that actually got me into CB, as a possibility. We stopped chatting when I got addicted to CB, but I reconnected recently. We get along well and he’s a gay guy in a marriage. Would most likely be just bateing. Nothing set or even discussed meeting arrangements, but it could be. He lives somewhat near me, but I don’t have an easy cover story to connect which is probably why there is nothing setup.
Buy Why?
Why am I bringing all this up aside from sharing my life with you? I had the realization when it hit 2024 that this could be the year my life changes. The more I contemplate my life and situation, I wonder why I hold on to monogamy as a thing I care about? Where does the idea come from? And can we hold strong to our values even as we change who we are over time, over our life? There are other things I decided decades ago that I no longer believe in, or admire. Am I not allowed to change who I am and what I believe in my life? I’m not religious, so there’s not push to hold onto my monogamy from that point of view. If I were to get a redo now, I’d be who am I now.
At the same time though, does my partner deserve to know who I am, who I am (have) changing into? If we didn’t have kids, I’d probably come out, risk divorce and move on with my life. This means, despite having said I want to be with her for the rest of our lives, which is still true, I’m only interested in protecting our kids from the effects of divorce. I’ve changed and my beliefs and values have changed.
Am I better off with my partner than without? In some aspects, yes. It’s better than being alone. But the items that I’m better off for are just roommates: sharing living expenses, chores, and general life support items. Anyone could be that. I chat with that friend more than her.
Basic life follow up questions just don’t get asked. I have a side gig. After I got back home last time, my youngest kid asked how it went. She’s never asked that. I go to the doctor. She doesn’t ask why or how it went or am I okay. I’m trying to share with her regardless, but it feels like if she doesn’t care enough to ask, then should I bother telling her?
Oh yeah, and the lack of sex and all that.
So I guess I’m saying all I care about is the kids now. This is heartbreaking to me. It’s the first time I’m saying I’m not IN love her anymore. I care about her, but I’m willing to risk divorce and hurting her in that process. I’m only here for the kids now.
But not the kids. But the kids won’t be young forever. But even college aged kids experience problems when their parents divorce. And divorce is sometimes good for the kids (think an abusive or toxic relationship). Our relationship is none of that. The only benefit to the kids would be to have a better model of a healthy relationship. But if I’m ready to divorce her and not the kids, then therapy is a must. We must try and reconcile first.
Disclaimer
All 5 guys approved me talking about them.
Afterward
In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness.
Between writing this and getting the guys approval, we had the first or second best sex since we resumed. I’ve taken to start asking her at the beginning what the plan is, meaning are we in a hurry? She didn’t say go fast this time. So I asked what’s on the agenda. She said I was in charge. I asked how many positions. She said 2 and I got to pick. I expected her to say 1 and missionary. I was stunned. I picked a new position we’d never done before. She was communicating during and there trying.
Afterward, I asked her what changed, what caused it. She said I gave her a hug that evening, but otherwise didn’t know. The sex isn’t where I want it to be, but I’ll appreciate that it’s a step in the right direction and wasn’t the same old thing.
I found an online bisexual community and shared my story. In discussing, working on the marriage and addressing the problems I have with how she treats me is the best option. This protects the kids, keeps us together, and we can continue to work at it. If it becomes apparent it’s really not something she’s going to work at, then the marriage is over. I can say at least I gave it my all. And if we get back to a good state, then coming out would be more likely to succeed, even if it’s just to be open. So I shouldn’t meet anyone while working on it.
The best advice I’ve received is: In a marriage, we each have a right to be happy, and should be concerned with each other’s happiness. That’s probably the best definition of marriage I’ve ever heard.
Epilogue
I start therapy on Tuesday.
That sounds like a really good plan,start with you. And good luck on Tuesday!
hope your doing great and feeling good!
I look back and see ebb and flow, cycles that lasted years. No straight lines on the marriage graph. I learned from a financial debacle that I cannot trust my wife. I forgive but can’t forget, a big impediment to closeness. I used masturbation to supplement what I couldn’t get enough of when things were good. Now that it’s my main thing, I supplement with buds for bate and oral. I understand Bill Clinton. He was supplementing not rejecting. Just as your kids are reason enough to stay, it may be their marriages and grandchildren one day a reason to stay and share. Finding out one aspect of your life might give her reason to leave. This is my experience that works for me.
You’re really cutting to the quick talking about grand kids and marriage. It is a risk still, even after working on our relationship to the point I feel the chances of coming out and ending in divorce are minimal, it’s still a possibility. The statistics I’ve quoted before of being 1/3 chance of success are probably greater for me, being that we’re not religious, she seems okay with non-heterosexuals as far as I can tell (she’s talked about a co-worker that’s gay and married with no malevolence) and if our relationship is generally healed, then it shouldn’t be problematic. Especially if I state that I’m only telling her to be open to her about who I am because she has a right to know, but that we get to define our relationship going forward, from everything from monogamy to full open to divorce. Maybe it’s rationalization to make me feel better, maybe it’s reality, maybe it’s delusional. Only time will tell.