Content warning: Suicide, Depression
13 years ago we were out of town on a weekend trip. I remember sitting on the bed in the hotel room trying to decide how I wanted to kill myself. I don’t own a gun or know where to get one (other than buying one) so that wasn’t an option. I don’t know how to tie a noose, and don’t have a rope anyway, so not an option. I could take a bunch of pills, but I don’t know how much and of what and don’t want to just wake up and have some problem as a result.
Wait. I don’t want to kill myself. Why am I even thinking about this? … Oh. Maybe I have depression.
So I Googled a depression screening test and took it and scored “High — Seek Medical Help.” I told my spouse on the spot I think I have depression. I called my doctor next Monday and told him the experience. He said I have Major Clinical Depression. He put me on an anti-depressant, and after shuffling through a few options, I stayed on it for a few years. I tried therapy, but it wasn’t a good experience (not bad, but just okay). The only value I got out of it was one question he asked: “What percentage of your unhappiness is your work versus your wife versus your child?” I answered “90, 9 and 1.” It hit me. How can I continue to do my job when it causes this much unhappiness? I can’t. I started the process to career change right after the session.
I stopped the medication after 2 years, with doctor approval and encouragement. I seemed fine. I had completed the career change at that point and so life went on.
Enter COVID.
In 2022 I convinced myself I had diabetes. I had many of the symptoms. I went into the doctor and laid out my case. “You don’t have diabetes. You have depression.” Oh. I was also suffering from insomnia at the time as well, so we tried some medication to help with that and depression, but eventually ended up on just Wellbutrin. He thinks I’ll be on it the rest of my life. At least it’s fairly cheap ($60/year). I did feel better (though not good), and cured my insomnia with a book called Hello, Sleep (highly recommend for you insomniacs!).
I went in for a routine physical a month ago (Dec 2025) and he suggested a second depression medication and therapy. I’m at the point I’m tired of being “meh”, so I want to get better and willing to try more things. He put me on Lexapro — I’m still in the ramp up period — but it kinda helps maybe, but really can’t decide for a few more weeks. I’ve also found a therapist to start long term sessions with. He’s “Sex Positive” and LGTBQ-friendly, so I’ll be exploring my marriage, depression, and bisexuality (not that way).
I feel like documenting my experience with depression might help someone else. Get help. It takes effort, but you can get better, even if it’s to a “meh” state, it’s probably better than where you are now. It’s just your brain chemicals.
I’ve realized that being ‘meh’ is often the result of living a life that’s only half-true. I’m hoping that by finally being honest in therapy about all the parts of me—not just the ‘depressed’ part—I can move past ‘meh’ into something that feels like actual freedom.
If you are suicidal, please seek help. https://988lifeline.org